


Keep Holding On

by SacredWarrior



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Hopeful Ending, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Past Sexual Abuse, References to Depression, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:44:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SacredWarrior/pseuds/SacredWarrior
Summary: For those who are on the brink of despair, just want to end it all, and think it's too late. It's never too late. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.





	Keep Holding On

So dark. Why is it so dark? Even if the room had been saturated with sunlight, all he would’ve seen was darkness. What’s a life anyway? What was the point of living? With everything that he had went through in his 22 years of life, from sexual molestation to PTSD to drug and alcohol abuse, it was amazing that he even lived to see that age. There was only so much suffering that someone could take before they snap.

Sure he had parents, a little brother, and a pregnant fiancé who all loved him dearly but it still wasn’t enough to quell the despair and loneliness that had been lingering in his heart and soul for many years. Nothing could stop it. Not laughter. Not music which was his biggest passion and talent. Not even love. Sure the pain may have stagnated for a while but it didn’t go away permanently. It was always there. Lingering. Lurking. Threatening to take over just like it’s doing now.

He looked down at the gun he had in his hands. All it would take is one bullet. Just one bullet and that would end it all. End all his pain and suffering. End all his misery and torture. He was tired. Soul deep tired. Dead tired. Not to mention alone. Truly alone.

His shaking hand held the muzzle of the gun to his right temple and he had to use his other hand to steady his grip because he was shaking so badly. Tears completely covered his face as flashbacks of his life ran through his mind. Good times with his fiancé and family, the drugs and booze, being sexually violated, and performing in front of others. Such a roller coaster his life was and it showed no signs of slowing down or stopping.

Although the door was locked, he knew that it wouldn’t stop his fiancé who knew how to pick locks. Practically hyperventilating at this point, his finger managed to find its way towards the trigger. Curl, squeeze, fire. That was all he had to do to end it. But why was he hesitating? Why was he so close to breaking down to the point of no return? Why was he crying so much?

He knew why. He was no fool. He was mourning the very things that were taken away from him so long ago. Peace. Innocence. Hope. But most of all power. Power to say no. To say stop. To fight back. To not be someone’s little bitch. To not feel worthless, disgusting, and pathetic. The sexual molestation and rape that he suffered when he was 8 caused all of that and opened the floodgates to a lifetime of pain and misery that he just couldn’t heal. He tried so many things to fill the void within him: drugs, alcohol, sex, music. But at the end of the day, he was still just an empty shell of a person and would always be worthless.

Steadying his mind and his hand, his finger began to curl itself around the trigger and apply pressure. Just as he was about to squeeze, there was a knock at the door. “Love? Are you in there?” Saved by the bell. Or was he? He could still just blow his brains out now. But then his fiancé would have to hear everything. “Why is the door locked? What are you doing in there?” Such a beautiful voice she had. Even if it was just for a little bit, it always brought him comfort and tranquility.

But for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to answer her nor pull the trigger. Why? What was stopping him? Why couldn’t he just fucking end it?! “I’m coming in!” Even though he pressed the gun tighter against his temple in response, he still didn’t have the heart to pull the trigger.

His pregnant fiancé picked the lock in record time and he was greeted with the beautiful sight of her once the door swung open. But her face immediately showed nothing but horror at the sight she saw. “Baby what are you doing? Put the gun down please.” Her voice was barely above a whisper and she began to slowly step towards her lover, keeping her hands by her side so she wouldn’t alarm him.

“I can’t. I don’t wanna live anymore. I have no more fight left in me. Please just leave. You don’t need to see me like this.” The woman continued to step closer until she was only a hairsbreadth away from the man she loved so much. “I’m not leaving you. I love you too much to abandon you. Please just give me the gun and we can talk about this.” “You waste your love on me. I’m worthless. It’s too late for me.”

The now crying pregnant woman gently held his other hand and kissed it. “You’re not worthless. Loving you has never been a waste. It has been the best 8 years of my life and I’ll keep loving you through everything. It’s never too late darling. If you pull the trigger now, you’ll never get to become my husband. You’ll never get to meet your twins. You’ll be leaving behind people who truly love you and care about you. Please don’t do this.” In an act of bravery, the woman reached forward and slowly took the gun away from her lover. Why didn’t he fight back? Why couldn’t he fight back?

Placing the gun back in the drawer where it belonged, she held her arms out as if she was inviting the man towards the light and out of the darkness that he had been in for oh so long. Such a small action said so many words to him that he didn’t even know how to react to. The man embraced his fiancé and let out sobs so heart-wrenching that she was crying along with him. “Let it all out. You can tell me anything. You don’t have to hide it anymore.”

In between his sobs, gasps, and sorrow-filled sighs, the man was muttering the phrases “He raped me. He fucking raped me.” over and over again as if it were a mantra that had been filling up over the years of suffering. “I know baby. I know. But he can’t hurt you anymore. He was killed in prison because you were brave enough to put him there.” “But he’s still haunting me. In my dreams. In my thoughts. In my soul. He took away so many things from me. How can I get them back?”

“You have to take control of yourself and your life. You can’t let him win anymore.  Don’t let the darkness consume you. You have to keep fighting.” “But what if I’m not strong enough? I’m just so tired. I’m tired of running away. Tired of acting like I’m ok when I’m really not. Tired of being alone. I can’t take this shit anymore!”

“You’re never alone in this war. I’ll be right here with you. So will your parents and little brother. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.” “But what’s the first step? I don’t know how to fight anymore.” “You just took it. You didn’t pull the trigger. That alone was a huge step in itself.  The next step to take is therapy. I know it sounds scary but you never know unless you try. I’ll be with you through every step of the way. I promise.”

The man was afraid to go to therapy because he hated the idea of talking to a complete stranger about his problems and he didn’t want to be subject to judgment, scrutiny, and ignorance. But how could he deny the light that the love of his life was offering? Bit by tiny bit, he could feel the darkness dissipating and she was the cause of it happening.

“I’ll contact a therapist in the morning. Let’s go to bed.” The woman rose up, bringing the man with her. He turned around and faced the window, looking up at the full moon which was shining down upon them. “Is life truly worth living? Is there still beauty even through all of the bullshit and hellfire?” “Yes. Yes it is. You have helped and inspired so many people and bring so much joy to them. Beauty can be found anywhere in life no matter how dark and bleak it seems to be. Your life is worth living and you are so precious to many people. You still have a lot left to do. It’s not your time to go yet love.”

Underneath the moonlight, the soon-to-be married couple shared a passionate, loving kiss that not even the world’s best actors could hope to replicate. Without so much as exchanging a word, they returned to the bed they shared, the man unsure of what was to come but with his family by his side to support him, he was slowly gaining the confidence he needed to keep holding on. Gently rubbing his fiance’s pregnant belly, tears nearly came to his eyes as he felt the twins kick. It was almost as if they were telling him to hang in there too.

The soon-to-be father kissed the woman’s stomach and the babies kicked in response. “That tickles. See? Your babies need you too. They have to meet their father.” “Do you think I have what it takes? To be a good father?” “Of course you do. I have faith and confidence in you.” She let out a heavy yawn which showed just how exhausted she was and her lover couldn’t resist repeating it.

“Good night. Are you ready for what’s coming tomorrow?” “As ready as I’ll ever be. Good night.”

The man fell into a deep, peaceful sleep underneath the moonlight with his lover, his newfound zest for life slowly beginning to creep into his very being. For the first time in his life, being alive didn’t seem so bad.

_Your life is not over. Your life is important. Don’t take your beauty from the world._

_Don’t pull the trigger._

_Don’t swallow those pills._

_Don’t tie that noose._

_Don’t jump._

_Don’t slash your wrists._

_When you come to the end of your rope, be a knot and hang on._

_To anyone out there who’s hurting, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It’s a sign of strength._

_If you or anyone you know is thinking of committing suicide, please contact your National Suicide Prevention hotline. Please tell someone, anyone. Don’t suffer in silence anymore._

_Hey you. Yes you right there reading this. You’re beautiful. You have every reason to live._

_I’m no therapist but I promise you this:_

_I will listen. I will care._

_Suicide doesn’t take away the pain. It gives it to someone else._

_Someone else who loves you. Someone else who cares about you. Someone else whose world would absolutely implode without you._

_A lot of us think that we’re alone. And in that, none of us really are._

_Don’t take the risk. It’s not worth it._

_Keep holding on. It is worth it._


End file.
